today i am all along. for the entire day. i feel very lonely. bryan has taken sweet baby girl to utah to a baptism of his niece. so i have the whole entire day to myself. i have plans of taking a hot bath and getting as much cleaning done as my body will let me. i was reading off jana's blog which was about music. and how powerful music can be. when i was really sick i would go up to my room at night, and it would be dark and comforting, and i would listen to my ipod. it made me feel so much comfort, the music that reminds you of sweet memories and good moments. i am grateful music. i quote janas blog:

Jack johnson's songs always make me want to take off my shoes, build a tree-house, and live the simple life. Music just makes you happy, it can make you run faster, forgive quicker, and compare less.

i really loved this quote because it is amazing what music can do for the soul. while reading her blog i thought of this quote:

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair. " Gibran, Kahlil

so even though i feel quite lonely, and feel anxious for them to come home, i am going to turn up the music and enjoy a day to myself.

photog one via: http://blackeiffel.tumblr.com/ photog by:coco+kelley

second photos by Thayer Photo via Creature Comforts

via:http://absolutelybeautifulthings.blogspot.com/index.html

i want these cupcakes. real bad.

the vomits are back. and something seems to be wrong with my jaw and ear. i feel good enough in the mornings but the afternoon and evenings are a different story. however i do dream about food. i really do. something else, i have watched pride and prejudice a million times. there is something so comforting about getting in my bed while feeling sick, getting cozy then turning on the laptop (that may burn up from overheating) and listening to the pretty music and viewing the scenery. i hear birds chirp that remind me, a new season is too come, change will come. i will not be sick forever. i am enjoying winter, i wish i could enjoy it more fully. i like storms, cloudy sky's. to me one of most favorite days are cloudy ones. i think bella was born on a cloudy day. that lovely little dove. she says 'boooo' now. one of my most favorite things ever.

here is a little quote:

Mr. Darcy: And are you having a pleasant trip? Elizabeth Bennet: Yes... very pleasant.

[ordered to order Lizzie to accept Mr. Collins's proposal]

Mr. Bennet: Your mother insists on you marrying Mr. Collins...

Mrs. Bennet: Yes! Or I'll never see her again!

Mr. Bennet: Well, Lizzie, from this day henceforth it seems you must be a stranger to one of your parents...

Mrs. Bennet: Who will maintain you when your father's gone?

Mr. Bennet: Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins... and I will never see you again if you do.

Mrs. Bennet: Mr. Bennet!

Elizabeth Bennet: Thank you, Papa.

photo via:http://www.designspongeonline.com/category/in-the-kitchen-with

i was reading off of one of my favorite blogs:http://martawrites.blogspot.com/ where i found this photo, and i just love it. if you click on the photo you can read what her husband wrote about her. this is what motherhood is. i mean i know somedays we are not all at a gorgeous beach, on a gorgeous cloudy day, but i think this photo captures motherhood. i really sometimes hope i get to live by the ocean.

photog via:http://martawrites.blogspot.com/

today is some radom photos of photos that make me happy and feel inspired. today i am about to deep clean my house. i do not know that i will get as much done as i hope, but it feels good. i have watching the inauguration all morning, now i hope to put on some 'cleaning music' which is always basia, pearl jam, or the soundtrack to the movie 'only you.' it is sunny and beautiful, looks springlike except for the fact that it is a mere 16 degrees.

first photo:Ngoc Minh Ngo Photographer via:http://absolutelybeautifulthings.blogspot.com/index.html
second photo via:http://desiretoinspire.blogspot.com/

third photo: http://www.designspongeonline.com/

today i ate a grilled cheese with pickles. and i didn't even throw up, or feel like i was going to throw up. tonight i had 2 more pickles! maybe just maybe, things are starting to blow over. after the failings of zofran, phenagren that knocked me out cold for days, vitamin b6 and a half a unisam proved to be the true hero. (and a mother in law who came up to take care of bella, do laundry, and listen to my poor little body wretch all day;)

photog:http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/la/hot-posts/hot-posts-011809-los-angeles-074277

runny, nose, cute pajama's, the croup. and lots of vomit.

One of the very few reasons I had any respect for my mother when I was thirteen was because she would reach into the sink with her bare hands - bare hands - and pick up that lethal gunk and drop it into the garbage. To top that, I saw her reach into the wet garbage bag and fish around in there looking for a lost teaspoon. Bare hands - a kind of mad courage. ~Robert Fulghum

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. ~Tenneva Jordan

so this past couple of weeks has been quite hard. bella has had the croup. i don' t know if i have even spelled this write, but the croup is kind of scary and hard. and it takes a long time to get over it. our water heater went out, again. my house is destroyed. but i have had quite some time to think about mothers. we found out bella is gonna be a big sister this summer! we are lucky. one thing for certain is i feel it is an honor to be a mother. a true honor. i know that i am lucky because i know SO MANY ladies who would be just as honored to be able to be pregnant. to be able to adopt. i admire such women. they deserve to have 17 babies if they choose.

i also know that among women there are prego wounds. who was the sickest. who had the hardest labor. i am not one of those women. i do not think i am weak by an means that i feel like i am going to die everytime i am going to vomit, or that i think i may never stop vomiting. i with great joy get an epidural when i have babies. not because i think i am weak or a sissy. but because that is what i do, and i am not ashamed. do i experience having a baby with an epidural. yes i do. we all have our opinons.

but i know that i love mothers, mothers who love being a mother. mothers who want to be mothers so badly, i am grateful for such examples around me. a quote "we have to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is comfortable for us. we have to develop the maturity to stop trying to prove anything, to be what we are........we have a great responsibility to our children. find joy in them. don't overschedule them or yourself. you may not be able to take them on exotic vacations. it doesn't matter. when the day dawns bright and sunny, take an excursion to the canyon or park. when it's cloudy and wet, read a book together or make something good to eat. give them time to explore and learn abot the feel of grass and the wiggliness of worms...."

-marjorie hinckley

and with this i am going to lay down...and hopefully not vomit.